Horoscope, sumakto ka pa. SIGE LANG. Ang galing galing mo rin kasing magbigay ng advice eh, noh? Parang ang dali-dali. ACTUALLY, OO NGA, MADALI NGA. SIGE. PERO ALAM MO YUN, YUNG TIPONG WOW, ANG SLOW KO BA PARA HINDI MA-GRASP YUNG MGA SOBRANG SIMPLE NA NGA LANG NA PAYO? AT PAYO PA ‘TO NA SOBRANG RELEVANT SA BUHAY KO AH. EWAN KO NALANG.

HRGKRHAKGJQEKjKAFJKFJKfjAKFJEKFJKJFkafjakfjalgfjaeflkj andami kong kinaaasaran ngayon.

Siguro, iniisip mo nanaman, “O, self-hatred crap nanaman ba niya ‘to? Same old drama ba?”

OH MY IT CRUSHES ME (NO, REALLY) TO SAY THAT YOU’RE WRONG. HAHAHAHHA. GOOD GUESS THOUGH, SOBRA. ANG GALING MO.

Sige, self-hating akong tao, kasi madali akong madisappoint sa sarili ko lalo na’t kung alam kong kaya ko naman, tapos hindi ko nagawa ng mabuti. Pero nakakasawa yung ganung feeling. Sobra. Soooobra. Lalo na kung palagi mo nalang nararamdaman. HA-HA-HA.

Kung may isa akong natutunan this week, yun ay lahat naman talaga ng possibleng gawin, kaya ng lahat ng tao eh. Nasa oras lang yan at skill kung gaano kaganda yung magiging kinalabasan ng gagawin. At pagdating naman sa’kin, may isa pang factor na tinatawag na “sapat na tulog”.

Haha, pero kung may ganoong realization, bakit may ganitong klaseng inis, ganitong glasing asar? HAHHAHA MAGANDANG TANONG.

At actually, hindi ko rin alam yung sagot.

Alam mo yung feeling na kinaiinisan at kinamumuhian mo na lang ang lahat ng bagay na nasa paligid mo? WTF OH MY GOSH ALAM KO RIN YUN. Hahahaahahaha yung tipong parang lahat nalang kasi ng masasamang bagay na pwedeng mangyari, nangyayari eh. LOLOL.

…

…..

… call me weird, but okay, I think I’ve figured out the root of all this is just now: subconscious mental flagellation of the self. (Think Silas.) This is probably as close as I can get to catching the culprit behind the stupidity this all adds up to. It gets tiring and hrgh I want to free myself from this state of mind but. I never end up doing so. And it’s dragging me down. Oh yeah, another phrase: psychological masochism inflicted upon the self. Always so self-punishing. It’s as if I can’t allow myself to be happy, knowing the stupid, bad, inconsiderate things I’ve done, no matter how shallow or stupid they really are. This is the subconscious moral philosophy I’d rather not follow, but I am, and it’s driving me nuts. Ugh. It’s a “No, ALLOW ME to make my own life a living hell. Since, you know, you must be busy, and all, and it must be really hard to hate someone during such busy times.”… but maybe more of a: “Okay, no. I’d rather not deal with anything bad you throw at me, so I’d rather just accept this and just be sad and depressed about it 129381294x more.”. In the end, I take in everything as punishment, and most of the time, “giving up”, to me, is merely “accepting justice”.

Guilt is both my dear friend and my worst enemy. 

Stupid, stupid, immature philosophies I’d rather not have.

Currently, I am in the state of wanting to prove myself worthy to… well… myself. BUT at the same time, I’m trying to figure out better ways to handle failure, disappointment, etc. So far, I don’t think I’m doing well / going anywhere at all. Or maybe I am. I haven’t been this frustrated in… ever. Well, maybe I have, but with had one direct cause. This one’s just… explodey. And crap.

I admire people who know how to accept their failures and mistakes with pride— not too much, just the earthy amount. I don’t know how to do that— at least, not for long periods of time. In my head, “mistakes” and “failures” have dwelled with me for too long, and gaining more of them would just make me look like a loser. Which I probably am, for thinking like this, anyway. It’s always “you have to prove yourself worthy” with me. And in the end, I end up looking more like an idiot than I did initially because my sole drive is the former part of the sentence. =__= I miss doing things for fun. At least, this summer, I’ve got all the time in the world to do just that. … right? (…if I allow myself to.)

Recently, I’ve tried embracing/accepting my own horrid, horrid “dark side”. It felt good. I felt human, for once. It’s just that it’s a mindset I can’t seem to sustain. A love-hate relationship. Yay. As if I haven’t had enough of that in my social life.

lajfeajkfjakljfakejfklej everything around it just so perfect— if not, they are good enough. I know I can be, I know I am capable of being. But. I will always be hindered by my own issues, or by fate himself.

And so, currently, I feel all, “Oh, screw this all. I don’t care anymore— I’m going to do what the hell I want to do, when I want to do them.”

Wow, this is a long entry, and, really, it’s pretty useless, ‘cept for the fact that my own thoughts are somewhat more organized now. (If you even call this organized.)

I want to learn muay thai.